


Blackfriars Bridge

by HighWarlockIvy



Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Anyways, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt, Hurt Magnus Bane, I do not support Camille and Magnus relationship, London, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, Right now, This Is Sad, let me make that clear, trigger warning, warning for suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockIvy/pseuds/HighWarlockIvy
Summary: "I got as far as the ledge of Blackfriars Bridge."Magnus Bane feels immortality weigh on him, and wishes for an end. But a certain someone is there to change his mind.





	

**Author's Note:**

> LET ME MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR! 
> 
> I do not in any way support Magnus/Camille relationship, but ever since that scene happened wit Magnus telling Simon of his suicidal experience, I couldn't get this out of my head.
> 
> I make sure to keep Camille's coldness in here. 
> 
> For those of you who feel lost and alone, you're not. There are people who care, and way better people then Camille Belcourt. You are special, and deserve great things.
> 
> The topic of suicide is always a hard topic for me. I lost a friend this way. And it's hard. So please, if you're thinking of suicide, please realize there are people who love you. 
> 
> Warnings: suicide, self hate

He didn't know where he was going. He couldn't even feel his feet hitting the ground with each step he took. He couldn't hear the city around him; the carriages rolling and horses hooves clicking on the ground as it pulled the carriage. He couldn't feel the rain pelt against his skin, or hear the thunder roar, or see the lightening brighten the streets.

Nothing was registering in his head. All he knew was that he was walking... somewhere. He just didn't know where yet.

He felt numb. He felt afraid. He felt everything at once. He didn't understand how one could be so numb but feel so much at the same time. He didn't understand how tears wanted to well so badly in his eyes, but nothing came up. He couldn't understand why his heart felt so heavy; like it was going to drag him six feet under.

Six feet under... 

Dead...

Dead sounds sad. 

Dead sounds satisfying.

Immortality had finally taken its toll on Magnus Bane. It was now 1874 but he felt like it'd been the same year over and over and over and over... a never ending cycle of life and innovations to disguise the actual truth that nothing will ever truly change.

The Clave still practically hated Downworlders. People apart of the community involved in homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, lesbian, all those wonderful things, were still not accepted. Warlocks still ran in fear from being murdered by Shadowhunters because they were technically, half demon therefore their deaths were justified.

Everything was wrong. Life was wrong. What was the point in continuing to live in it?

He always told himself, ever since the day he saw his mother hanging from the rafters of his barn, that he would never take that way out. That he would fight whatever obstacles that came in his way. But he was ignorant in that. He had no idea, that after early two hundred years of being here, and still being here, and never ending being here, that everything would hit him at once.

All of his losses. All of the 'warlocks' spat at him as an insult when it shouldn't be. All of the bigotry words thrown at him because he liked to dress a bit more colorful than most men, and that he liked men. And women. Everything about what made Magnus Magnus was apparently wrong. 

Which it shouldn't be. But for some reason, the society he lived in, made it that way.

He had fought for change, but nothing would ever change.

Everything was never ending.

Never changing.

Always staying the same.

And it was driving him insane.

He actually felt like he was going insane.

His chest was heavy as he neared Blackfriars Bridge. It grew heavier as he neared the ledge. He stared at it, wondering what would happen if he stood on top, while also knowing damn well what would happen. 

That didn't stop him.

He placed his palms on the stone ledge, hoisting himself up, then standing from his knees to his feet, feeling the breeze and rain run through his hair and graze his tan skin. He could hear the water moving below him, and felt the temptation to jump.

But should he?

After everything that he has fought, will he give up?

Maybe he should.

No... this wasn't giving up... right?

This was just... to be done enduring.

He always said you endure what is unbearable and you bear it, that was all. But this... this never ending life, this never ending pain, and nightmares, and panic, and fear, and heaviness... this wasn't something he wanted to endure anymore.

So why should he feel like he has to? His mother quit when she couldn't handle it anymore. And maybe there was nothing wrong with that.

"I understand now..." he whispered to himself, and it was hoarse; detached. "I understand why you did it..."

He referred to his mother. Maybe she was watching him. Maybe she was right here with him. But probably not. When she finally discovered what he was, she could not stand to even be around him. But Magnus never understood why. Why she couldn't even look at him or acknowledged him. 

He always thought it was because she hated him, and thought he was disgusting. And there was probably was a bit of truth in that, but it was also because she couldn't endure it anymore.

Like Magnus couldn't endure this.

He decided. 

"I want to die..." his legs shook as he lifted one foot, balancing on the ledge on just one leg.

And he almost, barely, nearly there jumped off. But there was a sweet, soft voice behind him.

"What are you doing?" It asked. It was female, and raised over the roar of the storm. The wind had picked up, and Magnus hoped it would be strong enough to send him down.

He didn't turn around. He didn't care who was there. Why get attached to someone when you're about to die?

"Are you okay?" She asked, but she didn't necessarily sound concerned. 

Magnus finally spoke.

Well...

More scoffed. "Yeah, that's why I am standing on the edge."

The girl chuckled, amused at his sarcasm. "Touché," she said. "Do you plan to jump off?"

Magnus felt his chest clench. He didn't know. He wanted too, he did. He finally felt wetness in his eyes, but dried them quickly. Not that it mattered, his tears could be disguised by the rain running down his face. He was soaking wet now. 

He still did not face the woman. 

But he spoke, and when he did, it was a sob; an exhalation of breath he didn't know he was holding. "I don't know..."

He took a deep breath, trying to control his emotions. 

But why should he? That's all he's done his whole life. He was done. He was done. He closed his eyes.

He lifted his arms to his sides, ready to fall.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the girl said, and Magnus' eyes snapped open. "I don't think you realize that there are people who care about you." 

Magnus knew that. That was why he was doing this peacefully. He didn't tell anyone. Not Ragnor, or Catarina.

No one.

"I don't think you realize that I know that," Magnus said back. His voice sounded tired.

"Then why do this?"

Magnus didn't speak for a moment, just listening to the water and the rain and the thunder. But finally, he spoke, and he felt guilty as his words. "Because I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy to care anymore. I can't care anymore. All I do is lose and continue to stay."

The girl didn't say anything, as if realizing something. "Are... Are you Immortal?" She sounded unsure.

Magnus' back straightened at the question. How did she know that?

Finally, finally, Magnus turned around, cautiously stepping on the ledge to face her.

She was pale in the moonlight, wearing red lips matching a short red dress that wasn't fit for this weather. Her hair was long, and black, flattened and wet on her head now. Her make up was running down her face, the rain making it run. 

Magnus was sure he looked about the same. He did wear make up anyways.

"What is your name?" She asked him.

Silence for a moment. 

"Magnus Bane."

The girl gasped. "Magnus Bane? The Warlock Magnus Bane?" 

Magnus blinked, confused that she knew who he was. He nodded, silently asking her for her name with a nod of his head.

"My name is Camille Belcourt. I am a Vampire." 

Magnus nodded in understanding. "Why are you here?"

She took a few steps closer to him. She looked up at him from the ground to the ledge. "I was just passing by, when I saw you standing there. And I'm even more shocked to know that you are Magnus Bane. You're pretty famous in the Downworld."

Magnus just shrugged, uninterested. "Is this an attempt to make me change my mind?" 

She shook her head. "You are free to do what you wish. I just think you should think pretty hard about this." 

"Why?"

"I can help you."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Silence. Thunder roared again. More silence.

Magnus' breathing was shallow, and unable. He felt the wind nearly push him back, and felt strange when he balanced himself to not fall.

Why? Why did he do that?

Magnus shook his head, frustrated. "I don't understand," he said, pressing his palms against his eyes. "I just don't understand anymore."

He felt tears, but his hands held them in.

Camille's voice seemed a bit more urgent. "Let me help you, Magnus."

Magnus aggressively clawed at his eyes, bring them to his sides. Anger surged. "Why?!" He screamed. He was gasping, and his finally allowed the tears to fall.

Camille watched him, looking worried, and Magnus wanted to know why. 

"Why?" Magnus whispered, feeling his knees lock. 

And they buckled.

But suddenly, Camille was in front of him, holding his arms to keep him from falling back. His heart was racing. Her eyes were wide, looking down below at the raging water from the storm. 

They stared at each other, and Magnus felt something then. Something in his chest that was other than heaviness. 

It was something else he just couldn't put is finger on.

She gently pulled him away from the ledge, and he allowed his knees to buckle again, and he fell to the ground, and she lowered him, holding onto him. "You're okay," she said. 

Magnus let her hold him for a long time before he pulled back slightly to look at her, confusion shining in his golden cat eyes. "Who are you?"

Camille did something that shook Magnus to his core and made him feel colder than he and his shivering body was. 

She smirked. And it was evil.

Magnus didn't like it.

But he let her take him home.

And from then on out, something very unhealthy was formed.


End file.
